Seriously, it is so scary that I’ve been celibate for 4 years since the birth of my daughter. My daughter was the best thing ever happened to me and I fell in love with her, however, the relationship with the Baby Daddy… not so much.
The day my daughter entered the world changed my life forever. It also changed my outlook on my love life. When I see my daughter as a result of a short-lived relationship, I told myself I would never settle for less because I wanted the best thing for my daughter.
However, it was the same moment I pushed love away out of fear that the same thing would happen again. Raising a child partnerless, loveless, and penniless was not an attractive sight or at least how I looked at it.
Ah, yes, not to mention the several failed relationships prior to the relationship with Baby Daddy. It was the same type of relationship over and over. I attracted emotionally unavailable partners and one of them was violent.
I was in a cycle of destructive relationships that tore me down emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. So, yeah, after I delivered my daughter into this world, I was fed up with love and became disappointed in myself.
We often get into relationships for an obvious reason but when it comes to love, there is a fine line between love and self-service. I will explain that in a minute.
Inevitably, not all relationships are successfully or close romantic encounters do not blossom into a relationship but why aren’t they working out? Maybe a different lifestyle causes a disruption in the relationship or perhaps it was not according to your ‘ideal relationship.’
That begs a question, what is your ideal relationship? Is it based on your values? Most importantly, is it reflecting or defining your self-value?
If you can take a closer look at your past relationships, they might share insight into your self-value. Relationship or encounters with potential romantic partners are mirroring our self-value.
Few good questions to ask yourself if you value yourself or not:
1. Do you base your value on others’ happiness? I mean I know it’s hard not to become sad when your partner become sad but is it becoming a pattern that you have to solely depend on other’s happiness to make you happy like you do not know how to be happy on your own?
2. Do you base your value on your own perspective of self-value? Is your perspective accurate or inaccurate? Like if you’re making yourself out as a victim saying, “nothing goes right or relationships never work for me!” That’s a telltale that you might do not own your value.
3. Or how about this- does your partner receive your love and reciprocate their love? Yes? No?
4. Do they do it with a condition or love?
If you’re not still sure about your self-value, let’s use my several personal relationship experiences as instances:
Real-Life Relationship Scenario #1:
I’ve tried to save my partner because I thought he would value me as a partner he wants in his life but of course, it didn’t work out because he doesn’t see the value in ‘saving’ me and he just wanted me to save him.
#2: I’ve been in a long distance and cybersex relationship with a married man because we had a great sexual chemistry and I thought that was a great sign for a long relationship term. I also thought he would leave his wife for me. Nope, It didn’t work out because he never had an intention to leave his life and he had me ON HIS TERMS. (By the way, this emphasized capitalized ‘ON HIS TERMS’ is an important note to keep in your mind and journal.)
#3: I’ve been in a fuck-buddy relationship thinking it would blossom into a relationship but it turned out I was a regular booty call because he only sees value in fucking me.
#4: I’ve been in an online relationship thinking he would move out here to pursue a relationship with me but guess what? It didn’t work out because he was also creeping other thousands of women. (Seriously.)
None of them worked out because I did not value myself to a par where my partner is devoted, committed, emotionally available, supportive, and loving. They didn’t work out because I de-value myself to the point where I became their love servant and gave them what they need from me. The bottom line is I did not value myself enough to ASK them to give me what I need.
I thought perhaps if I could give them without them having to ask me, they would see me as a valuable partner in their life. (Here come the rolling eyes.) Behold, my former partners reflected my value.
It all depends on how much you value yourself. If you view yourself as a decent or ‘not good enough’, I guarantee you’ll attract a ‘decent’ partner. I mean, if you were not going to value yourself, why would your romantic partner value you?
While you might do not hold yourself to a higher value, you might get in a relationship for attention and affection aka self-service relationship. That means you’re getting in a relationship based on instant gratification to make up for your loneliness, desires, and cravings for intimacy.
That is also known as in love with love but you’ll be surprised how common it is for partners to do it for pleasure purpose (not necessarily sexual) but to define their success and place in the society.
I remembered dating a partner who used to work as a club promoter. I thought that was a cool job and I would look cool (gags) being with him going to the parties. I felt amazing being in his presence and his squad. The idea of being with someone than being all alone at home made me feel like I was doing something with my life. That glimmer of ‘hope’ made me feel a wholesome again.
But I also felt sad at the same time because I didn’t feel I belong there. I couldn’t imagine of throwing away the whole glamorous life. Needless to say, I was putting on a façade to chase after the ‘high’ being surrounded by my beautiful partner and people. I felt it was defining my life.
It also doesn’t help that my partner was very emotionally detached and always made excuses about why we couldn’t go on proper dates aka movie and dinner date; however, he managed to find time for me at midnight, 1 am, or 2 am. It took me a while to realize he was using me as to satisfy his ‘needs.’
That was when I realized I had zero self-value. I would always allow others to define my self-value. If they paid attention to me, then I must be doing something right. If they talked to me, whoa, that’s even better! Or if they thought I was attractive enough to fuck me, and then I am fucking badass!
Maybe you’re one of those people who’ve gone the whole nine yards and expect to get the same thing back but it still doesn’t work out. Does that means you’re ‘not good enough?’
While that might send you into a rabbit hole, slow down your racing thoughts. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough for them. It could possibly mean they’re not fucking good enough for you.
Just because your partner does not understand or accept your love, it doesn’t define your self-value, period. It simply means to say, “Bye Felicia!” and move on to protect your self-value.
As disheartening it might be to go through multiple failed relationships but we learn so much about ourselves in relationships. Do you notice that the next relationship seems to be better than the previous one?
Why? Well, you learned a little more about what’s important to you and you might have increased your self-value. If so, good for you!
If not, rest assured, you’re not only one who has fucked up in relationships. (Hello! Look at me aka the one who’ve always got it wrong in relationships.) Always strive to better yourself after getting out a shitty relationship. Embrace the breakup or pour the heartbreak into a gallon of ice cream.
Do whatever you can do to get through the emotions but EMBRACE the breakup. Then, reflect on what went wrong and what was the relationship showing about your self-value.
This is going to sound very adult but you need to take yourself accountable. Relationships are never easy but taking responsibility for your emotional well being is incredibly sexy and its less drama that way.
You also need to tell yourself you don’t fucking deserve a shitty partner because you are fucking worth it. You are already valuable as anyone else is. Hold yourself higher and stay in that golden space! Oh, and don’t forget to ASK, too.
If they’re not going to give you what you need, you can show them where the door is. It might be easier said than done but hey, it works and your value is still in the place but perhaps a little higher after you close the door on them.
Stay golden, lovers.
Now, offering 1:1 coaching program called “Manifest Your Love.” Contact me at email@example.com for more info!
I was crying so hard. It was broad daylight. There were two women at my sides urging me to jump into the circle of fire. The circle was small. It seemed impossible.
I was full of fear not wanting to jump but deeply in my heart, I knew it had to be done. I was sobbing heavily.
Those women assured me I could do it and that I needed to jump. I put my fear aside and momentarily built up the courage.
I ran and jumped into the circle of fire. Then the ground grabbed me spiritually and I somehow became grounded. I felt some sort of a release.
It was the freedom.
I was overwhelmed with relief and thought to myself, ‘I’m glad I did this.’
It woke me up.
I am not going to bore you with deciphering my dreams but dreams carry messages including the secrets to unlock your potential or wounds that have you running away from life. That’s also how the Spirit communicate with your higher self in your dreams and possibly warns you of a dangerous situation in your life.
Have you ever try something scary but exciting? Yes? No? Maybe the latter is the majority vote. But that begs a question- since when getting out of your comfort zone is scary and uncomfortable? Sure, doing something out of ordinary can feel like a doozy but it can trigger the adrenaline rush.
Usually, the adrenaline rush is temporary enough to maximize your strength, courage, and mental to do something very difficult. It doesn’t really sound fantastic or exciting enough to chase after again and again but if you practice it regularly, it eventually expands your inner strength.
For instance, it’s like building your muscles. If you want to increase muscle mass for various reasons such as to build a better self-esteem, self-confidence, to fit into clothes better, or/and to challenge yourself, you have to lift weights and work on your body to build muscle mass. Most importantly, you have to have a plan to reach your fitness goal.
I was going through a phase where I finally saw how messy my life was and how can I improve it but while processing the revelations, I found myself feeling shameful about the ‘messy’ parts in my life. Hell, I am embarrassed to talk about it.
I was thinking I must be not only one. This insightful revelation shows me that there is a ‘taboo’ surrounding about what it means to be spiritual.
For instance, an outsider of the spiritual community assumes there’s witchcraft mumbo-jumbo involved in the spirituality community or find people who are always happy and doing yoga as ‘strange.’
It’s just not the people who have chosen the traditional and structured belief but also the people already in the spiritual community reinforcing this confusing ‘taboo’ about what it means to be spiritual.
In the fast-paced world, we are always on the go reaching our destinations for the day. Every day we get up to go to work. We get up to go on a vacation. We get up to take care of our kids. We get up to meet our goals. We are always getting up for something.
But when unforeseen events rob your opportunity to meet your goals, it can kick you in your guts and then, you’re questioning whether you’re capable of meeting your goals. You might doubt your potential of accomplishing ANYTHING in your life.
That can send your logical circuit into overdrive triggering anxiety, sadness, and anger. It seems the world has become smaller with the clock ticking away as if all of sudden, time is running out and opportunities are becoming scarce.
Intimacy and sexuality have been on my mind for a while. I wrote this blog a few months ago and I thought it’s appropriate to blow the dust off the blog considering the multiple sex charges against the high-powered men in the entertainment industry. Not only that it triggered my personal intimacy wounds, it also empowers me to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.
After unpacking my personal intimacy wounds, I realized the root of shame about sexuality began back as a young girl. As a young girl, I remembered how my Aunt would cover herself up when she was changing clothes in the front of me. It was the most profound memory I had because I could see the embarrassment on my Aunt’s face and body language.
I also remembered there was a negative energy surrounding our sexual bodies. It was full of shame, taboo, and embarrassment. I do not know why but it was an energy I learned and thought that our sexual bodies were viewed as something unnatural.
Intense pain shoots down through your mind, throat, chest, heart, hips, back, legs, and feet. Don’t. Don’t you dare to cower away from it. Welcome it. Embrace it. It is coming for you, breaking you apart. Tearing the ego out of your body infecting your soul. Skin peeling off from the fresh skin. Leaving you bare-naked and vulnerable. You realize you are standing alone. Hold on. Breathe in and out. You are stronger now. You are no longer attached to the ego. You are no longer attached to another’s egos. You are your own. You are you.
Our heart’s call is loud and strong that it’s triggering the painful transformations our spirit craves for. The call is not a warning bell but it is beyond the mandatory bell. Your heart is coming forth regardless you like it or not.
It is not a matter of how ready you are to transform but how ready you are to accept your shadows. It is also a test of love to see how much do you really want to change? How willing are you allowing the world to see who you are and your heart? How much are you in love with yourself? How willing are you to embrace your true being?
It doesn’t have to be that hard. It doesn’t have to hurt. It is love! Love does not hurt. The old memory associated with the love hurts because you’re afraid you will forget what love feels like. You’re afraid to let it fade from your memories.
It also means it only carry an image in your mind but nothing imprinted on a piece of paper permanently. You’re becoming sad at the fading memories and the pain replaces it. You are living with the pain for the lack of love in your life.
We all want that fairytale romance. Sure, some of it can be a reality but often, we fail to accept bad comes with the good. That’s the common problem in the failed relationships because we all want that impossible fairy tale relationship where everyone is happily after ever.
Yes, it is possible and doable but you have to be practical. You have to take personal responsibility for your actions, thoughts, emotions, and vulnerability when sharing the same space with others.
What you are feeling is what your partner also feels. You have to be mindful of your energy and how it affects the relationship. It sounds harder but it is not that hard as you think because there is a deep fear of loving again.