I was going through a phase where I finally saw how messy my life was and how can I improve it but while processing the revelations, I found myself feeling shameful about the ‘messy’ parts in my life. Hell, I am embarrassed to talk about it.
I was thinking I must be not only one. This insightful revelation shows me that there is a ‘taboo’ surrounding about what it means to be spiritual.
For instance, an outsider of the spiritual community assumes there’s witchcraft mumbo-jumbo involved in the spirituality community or find people who are always happy and doing yoga as ‘strange.’
It’s just not the people who have chosen the traditional and structured belief but also the people already in the spiritual community reinforcing this confusing ‘taboo’ about what it means to be spiritual.
In the fast-paced world, we are always on the go reaching our destinations for the day. Every day we get up to go to work. We get up to go on a vacation. We get up to take care of our kids. We get up to meet our goals. We are always getting up for something.
But when unforeseen events rob your opportunity to meet your goals, it can kick you in your guts and then, you’re questioning whether you’re capable of meeting your goals. You might doubt your potential of accomplishing ANYTHING in your life.
That can send your logical circuit into overdrive triggering anxiety, sadness, and anger. It seems the world has become smaller with the clock ticking away as if all of sudden, time is running out and opportunities are becoming scarce.
Intimacy and sexuality have been on my mind for a while. I wrote this blog a few months ago and I thought it’s appropriate to blow the dust off the blog considering the multiple sex charges against the high-powered men in the entertainment industry. Not only that it triggered my personal intimacy wounds, it also empowers me to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.
After unpacking my personal intimacy wounds, I realized the root of shame about sexuality began back as a young girl. As a young girl, I remembered how my Aunt would cover herself up when she was changing clothes in the front of me. It was the most profound memory I had because I could see the embarrassment on my Aunt’s face and body language.
I also remembered there was a negative energy surrounding our sexual bodies. It was full of shame, taboo, and embarrassment. I do not know why but it was an energy I learned and thought that our sexual bodies were viewed as something unnatural.
Intense pain shoots down through your mind, throat, chest, heart, hips, back, legs, and feet. Don’t. Don’t you dare to cower away from it. Welcome it. Embrace it. It is coming for you, breaking you apart. Tearing the ego out of your body infecting your soul. Skin peeling off from the fresh skin. Leaving you bare-naked and vulnerable. You realize you are standing alone. Hold on. Breathe in and out. You are stronger now. You are no longer attached to the ego. You are no longer attached to another’s egos. You are your own. You are you.
Our heart’s call is loud and strong that it’s triggering the painful transformations our spirit craves for. The call is not a warning bell but it is beyond the mandatory bell. Your heart is coming forth regardless you like it or not.
It is not a matter of how ready you are to transform but how ready you are to accept your shadows. It is also a test of love to see how much do you really want to change? How willing are you allowing the world to see who you are and your heart? How much are you in love with yourself? How willing are you to embrace your true being?
It doesn’t have to be that hard. It doesn’t have to hurt. It is love! Love does not hurt. The old memory associated with the love hurts because you’re afraid you will forget what love feels like. You’re afraid to let it fade from your memories.
It also means it only carry an image in your mind but nothing imprinted on a piece of paper permanently. You’re becoming sad at the fading memories and the pain replaces it. You are living with the pain for the lack of love in your life.
We all want that fairytale romance. Sure, some of it can be a reality but often, we fail to accept bad comes with the good. That’s the common problem in the failed relationships because we all want that impossible fairy tale relationship where everyone is happily after ever.
Yes, it is possible and doable but you have to be practical. You have to take personal responsibility for your actions, thoughts, emotions, and vulnerability when sharing the same space with others.
What you are feeling is what your partner also feels. You have to be mindful of your energy and how it affects the relationship. It sounds harder but it is not that hard as you think because there is a deep fear of loving again.
I thought I knew. I thought my belief system was secure but it wasn’t perfect. There was a room for improvement. I knew there were more than what I’ve learned. I thought that being a beacon of light and love was more than enough. Soon enough, I was sent on a philosophical ride.
The first half of this year showed me how limited my belief system was. I do not want to say limited but there was not enough depth to it. There were still unhealed parts or societal conditioned parts in my belief system that does not serve me good and it needed to go.
For months, I was very confused and anxiety-ridden because I found myself questioning my belief system and spirituality. Frankly, I was mainly triggered by Doreen Virtue’s announcement that she got baptized and was reborn Christian. Absolutely, the confusion and betrayal overwhelmed me because she was the main reason why I started my Psychic/Tarot Card reading business. Doreen gave me the confidence to explore my psychic gifts without fears.
The past two days were pretty downers. Yes, I had a self-pity party. The heaviness in each part of my body overwhelmed me. I was not going to lie but I wasn’t happy with where I am at this point in my life.
So, I threw myself a party where I did not care to go out or attempt to work through the feelings. I was a Debbie Downer. I did not care about trying to make best of the day. I just wanted to drown in the waters and brooded in it.
Unfortunately, the party did not last long. Sensed my sarcasm here? Good. Frankly, it was exactly what I needed to do. I meant it was not fun but it was me being real. I had a genuinely human moment or perhaps should I said for a couple of days.
It was essentially about giving myself a permission to feel sorry and feel the feelings I had in me. I was processing it. Evidently, what I experienced in the past few days was a major insight into what my soul was looking for.
I was definitely not only one feeling it but often times, when they are feeling down, they became self-destructive as a mean to ‘cope.’ I’ll be honest. I had few brownies. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that Aunt Flo was in the town. Yup, she was here for the party.
So, last night I had a dream I was hitting my baby daddy. I remembered I was livid and I had this burning rage to hit harder and harder. I could not stop hitting. I was blind in rage. Then, I woke up. Anger and hurt from the dream were seeping into reality. I became angry but before I allowed my anger to get the best of me, I looked up for the meaning of “hitting someone” in dream dictionary at dreammoods.com. It said:
To dream that you hit something or someone symbolizes unexpressed anger and aggression. You tend to keep your negative feelings inside instead of expressing them in a healthy way.
I thought to myself, “repressed anger?” but then I remembered another dream prior to this dream.
This past month showed me how heavy the burdens were weighing on my heart. As I slowly let one of the burdens go, I took a step forward. Let me be honest with you. It was not easy because each burden was heavy to let go. Nonetheless, I continue taking few more steps forward.
Before the profound epiphany, I wasted so much time in self-wallowing the past year and a half. I was going nowhere by wallowing in my pains and lack of love. What woke me up? you might ask.
Well, my heart woke up on the day of my coaching session. I was asked a painful question whether I was ready for a romantic relationship or not. My coach also asked me what was my ideal romantic partner. Read More
Whispers have been telling me to dive deep into my heart and for some reason; I am more than willing to do so. Perhaps I am tired of repeating the same mistakes or perhaps I am finally surrendering the control. Whatever it is but I am willing to learn to love myself again.
I hope you can also join me in this self-love journey and find the courage to go within you to see what’s holding you back from receiving Love. It will not be easy but it is going to be a beautiful journey into your heart.
Another day, I find myself questioning my self-worth and feeling a little lonely. I pondered on what does it mean to have a healthy self-worth.
Self-worth is defined “the sense of one person’s own value or worth as a person.” The more I think about what does it mean to have a self-worth, the more I realize I had no clue at all. I started this blog a week ago and it took me a while to self-explore. Read More