We often get into relationships for an obvious reason but when it comes to love, there is a fine line between love and self-service. I will explain that in a minute.
Inevitably, not all relationships are successfully or close romantic encounters do not blossom into a relationship but why aren’t they working out? Maybe a different lifestyle causes a disruption in the relationship or perhaps it was not according to your ‘ideal relationship.’
That begs a question, what is your ideal relationship? Is it based on your values? Most importantly, is it reflecting or defining your self-value?
If you can take a closer look at your past relationships, they might share insight into your self-value. Relationship or encounters with potential romantic partners are mirroring our self-value.
Few good questions to ask yourself if you value yourself or not:
1. Do you base your value on others’ happiness? I mean I know it’s hard not to become sad when your partner become sad but is it becoming a pattern that you have to solely depend on other’s happiness to make you happy like you do not know how to be happy on your own?
2. Do you base your value on your own perspective of self-value? Is your perspective accurate or inaccurate? Like if you’re making yourself out as a victim saying, “nothing goes right or relationships never work for me!” That’s a telltale that you might do not own your value.
3. Or how about this- does your partner receive your love and reciprocate their love? Yes? No?
4. Do they do it with a condition or love?
If you’re not still sure about your self-value, let’s use my several personal relationship experiences as instances:
Real-Life Relationship Scenario #1:
I’ve tried to save my partner because I thought he would value me as a partner he wants in his life but of course, it didn’t work out because he doesn’t see the value in ‘saving’ me and he just wanted me to save him.
#2: I’ve been in a long distance and cybersex relationship with a married man because we had a great sexual chemistry and I thought that was a great sign for a long relationship term. I also thought he would leave his wife for me. Nope, It didn’t work out because he never had an intention to leave his life and he had me ON HIS TERMS. (By the way, this emphasized capitalized ‘ON HIS TERMS’ is an important note to keep in your mind and journal.)
#3: I’ve been in a fuck-buddy relationship thinking it would blossom into a relationship but it turned out I was a regular booty call because he only sees value in fucking me.
#4: I’ve been in an online relationship thinking he would move out here to pursue a relationship with me but guess what? It didn’t work out because he was also creeping other thousands of women. (Seriously.)
None of them worked out because I did not value myself to a par where my partner is devoted, committed, emotionally available, supportive, and loving. They didn’t work out because I de-value myself to the point where I became their love servant and gave them what they need from me. The bottom line is I did not value myself enough to ASK them to give me what I need.
I thought perhaps if I could give them without them having to ask me, they would see me as a valuable partner in their life. (Here come the rolling eyes.) Behold, my former partners reflected my value.
It all depends on how much you value yourself. If you view yourself as a decent or ‘not good enough’, I guarantee you’ll attract a ‘decent’ partner. I mean, if you were not going to value yourself, why would your romantic partner value you?
While you might do not hold yourself to a higher value, you might get in a relationship for attention and affection aka self-service relationship. That means you’re getting in a relationship based on instant gratification to make up for your loneliness, desires, and cravings for intimacy.
That is also known as in love with love but you’ll be surprised how common it is for partners to do it for pleasure purpose (not necessarily sexual) but to define their success and place in the society.
I remembered dating a partner who used to work as a club promoter. I thought that was a cool job and I would look cool (gags) being with him going to the parties. I felt amazing being in his presence and his squad. The idea of being with someone than being all alone at home made me feel like I was doing something with my life. That glimmer of ‘hope’ made me feel a wholesome again.
But I also felt sad at the same time because I didn’t feel I belong there. I couldn’t imagine of throwing away the whole glamorous life. Needless to say, I was putting on a façade to chase after the ‘high’ being surrounded by my beautiful partner and people. I felt it was defining my life.
It also doesn’t help that my partner was very emotionally detached and always made excuses about why we couldn’t go on proper dates aka movie and dinner date; however, he managed to find time for me at midnight, 1 am, or 2 am. It took me a while to realize he was using me as to satisfy his ‘needs.’
That was when I realized I had zero self-value. I would always allow others to define my self-value. If they paid attention to me, then I must be doing something right. If they talked to me, whoa, that’s even better! Or if they thought I was attractive enough to fuck me, and then I am fucking badass!
Maybe you’re one of those people who’ve gone the whole nine yards and expect to get the same thing back but it still doesn’t work out. Does that means you’re ‘not good enough?’
While that might send you into a rabbit hole, slow down your racing thoughts. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough for them. It could possibly mean they’re not fucking good enough for you.
Just because your partner does not understand or accept your love, it doesn’t define your self-value, period. It simply means to say, “Bye Felicia!” and move on to protect your self-value.
As disheartening it might be to go through multiple failed relationships but we learn so much about ourselves in relationships. Do you notice that the next relationship seems to be better than the previous one?
Why? Well, you learned a little more about what’s important to you and you might have increased your self-value. If so, good for you!
If not, rest assured, you’re not only one who has fucked up in relationships. (Hello! Look at me aka the one who’ve always got it wrong in relationships.) Always strive to better yourself after getting out a shitty relationship. Embrace the breakup or pour the heartbreak into a gallon of ice cream.
Do whatever you can do to get through the emotions but EMBRACE the breakup. Then, reflect on what went wrong and what was the relationship showing about your self-value.
This is going to sound very adult but you need to take yourself accountable. Relationships are never easy but taking responsibility for your emotional well being is incredibly sexy and its less drama that way.
You also need to tell yourself you don’t fucking deserve a shitty partner because you are fucking worth it. You are already valuable as anyone else is. Hold yourself higher and stay in that golden space! Oh, and don’t forget to ASK, too.
If they’re not going to give you what you need, you can show them where the door is. It might be easier said than done but hey, it works and your value is still in the place but perhaps a little higher after you close the door on them.