Healing My Self-Worth Through My Traumatic Child
Whispers have been telling me to dive deep into my heart and for some reason; I am more than willing to do so. Perhaps I am tired of repeating the same mistakes or perhaps I am finally surrendering the control. Whatever it is but I am willing to learn to love myself again.
I hope you can also join me in this self-love journey and find the courage to go within you to see what’s holding you back from receiving Love. It will not be easy but it is going to be a beautiful journey into your heart.
Another day, I find myself questioning my self-worth and feeling a little lonely. I pondered on what does it mean to have a healthy self-worth.
Self-worth is defined “the sense of one person’s own value or worth as a person.” The more I think about what does it mean to have a self-worth, the more I realize I had no clue at all. I started this blog a week ago and it took me a while to self-explore.
But it took a while because I was avoiding seeing the truth until I surrendered because I was so tired of feeling sad. When I surrendered, the Universe sent me an answer to what I was seeking. I had a client today and we were talking about her trauma. We had a similar experience based on our self-worth. It was a eureka moment for me.
My self-worth issues stemmed from my trauma with men in my life, especially with my Dad. I will not go into the details but he made choices that made a great impact on my self-esteem and my perspectives about the relationship between partners.
I was only 7 years old. I remembered sitting on the couch and witnessing a huge shift in my world that does not feel safe anymore. I remembered feeling shattered and shocked by the choices my Dad made.
The trauma affected my relationships. There were few partners that made choices where they choose another woman over me. Needless to say, I lashed out at them and became obsessive about what I could have done differently to make them stay in the relationship with me but of course, nothing changed except I was digging a deep hole dragging my self-worth along with my trauma down in the hole.
I was living in the dark hole for a long time since I was 7 years old. I’ve always been wary of men and their intentions for as long as I could remember. No matter how hard I try to let go of the control but I’ve always seemed to find faults in them and that was my rational choice to not become involved with them.
My traumatic child was hurting and wanting love. My child did not trust the world anymore. My child wanted the answers. Why? Why did you make that choice? I might never know the answer to that question but I know it was not my choice and I also realize it does not mean my Dad does not love me.
It also does not mean I was not lovable. My child was lovable. I am also lovable. I’ve always tried to seek approval and validation from others to define my self-worth. If they like me and want to hang out with me, then that means I am worthy of their time and love! If they are losing interest in me after they see the real me, that means I am not worth any more. That’s when my mind played games with me.
Throughout the years, I’ve allowed others to define my self-worth. That also included platonic friendships. If things weren’t swimming smoothly or to my liking, I would question them hard about why they ‘abandon’ me and how dare they leave me after I invested my time, energy, and fierce loyalty in the relationship.
Now, I know why I’ve become angry with my friends and men who ‘leave’ me for other friends or women. I was angry with my Dad for leaving me. I was carrying the trauma with me. Funny I thought it was protecting me but it was hurting me greatly.
Now, I know what hindered me from attracting a healthy relationship. My self-worth was based on others’ perspectives. After my eureka moment, I am owning my trauma and my anger. Others will no longer define my self-worth but me.
Heaviness is leaving my chest and I am feeling lighter now. I am able to define what self-worth means. It means you are not allowing your past or future to determine your ability to receive love. Love knows no numbers. Love knows no definition. Love is infinite. Love knows who you are.
Knowing your worth means you know the value of your love. Your love is so valuable that it is to be shared with loving and supportive people who love for who you are. It also means you know you deserve the best kind of honor, respect, and love in a romantic relationship.
It also means to be YOU. Do not try to be someone else that is not you. Be that beautiful and sexy self. Self-worth is about knowing your worth of love.