In the few past blogs, I shared about what I was going through personally. I experienced few transformative shifts in the romance department. Early this morning, I had an epiphany. This came to me after doing restorative yoga and meditation. In the stillness and calmness, the answers to the recent lessons became clear to as why I’ve gone through trials recently. I have been single for so long. Too long like a bad habit. It was almost like smoking cigarettes for 10 plus years but you just couldn’t bring yourself to think you could quit after having a great relationship with cigarettes but you bloody know it’s hurting you healthy-wise.
That’s exactly the same thing what I was going through. I enjoyed my singlehood too much. I am too independent and perhaps a bit manly. I take pride in my independence and self-reliance. After breaking up with a toxic ex-boyfriend years ago, I swore off men and kept telling people that I do NOT need a man to make myself happy. Now there’s a good intention behind this which was not to seek others to make me happy but the energy behind it was not kind and/or feminine-like. I had that, “Ah-ha” moment after meeting a new male friend. There was a misunderstanding occurred while conversing with him. I am not going to lie that I’ve allowed my fear rears its head and wanted to control where the conversation was going but my friend became very upset and responded back saying something similar like this, “In order to trust, it demands a full surrender and let go of control. You must honor the masculine in me.” That just fucking hit a chord with me. That was it. I had flashbacks where I declined dates and how I shrugged off the flirt from men who were seeking to pursue me. I was pushing away potential romantic partners because I was too masculine and needed to control. The need to control was something I’ve been not been aware of doing so. That control gave me a false sense of feeling ‘safe’ and I thought I was making right decisions for myself as well as choosing love partners. It also gave me control about how I live my life.
The conversation with my friend increased my self-awareness about what I was doing and/or how I was acting toward others. I took a few steps back to reflect and reexamine about how I honor others. My friend took it offensive that I was not honoring who he was as well as the masculinity in him. Although, it was not my intention but it meant so much to him for his masculinity to be honored. I now understood what honoring other people meant. The whole time since I dumped my ex-boyfriend, I was not HONORING myself. I just realized that now. In order to honor others, I also need to honor myself. Every reaction you have towards other was purely a reflection of you. When you disrespect other, you also do not respect yourself.
I’ve realized that my perception of masculinity was skewered. I’ve been holding on a certain perspective towards men for years. After an emotional and explosive misunderstanding between me and my friend, it shifted my perception about what it meant to be a man. To be specific, a conscious and spiritual man. Masculinity and femininity each have different roles. Masculinity was about chivalry, strength, provider and lover while femininity was about reproducing children, nurturer, emotional, and service. My intent was not to dismiss or diminish anyone down to their preconceived societal expectations but it was the essence of EMOTIONAL needs in each. When my friend demanded me to honor his masculinity, he needed me to allow him to pursue and pick a woman he seek. That’s where my skewered perception came in. I immediately accused him for having an agenda. You can hear the atomic bomb going off while having a tense dialogue with my friend. My fears came out to play and that frustrated him incredibly. Out of a bad habit, I wanted to control because I was not comfortable of allowing him lead the way. Thus, the loss of control and stepping into unknown made me feel very uncomfortable. I was in my comfort zone for so long that I did not allow myself to surrender and trust. That was a huge breakthrough I had.
Each roles have different needs and wants. For me personally as a female, having emotional support was tremendous important to me. I need to be heard and being acknowledged for whatever I was expressing. Just like my friend have his own needs and wants. It was about honoring and respect one other’s needs from the relationship, especially when BOTH want to build a relationship together. It demands full surrender and trust in order for this relationship to work. Surrendering your fears and doubts due to past and/or habitual perception will clear out the blocks in the front of you. Everything will become easier and joyful now that you’ve release the control and resistance against the natural flow of life. Just go with the flow and enjoy your love interest’s company. Soon or later, it might blossom into a loving and nurturing relationship. Even though, if it doesn’t go down that road but be grateful for meeting beautiful souls along your journey. No relationships are ever wasted. Every relationship has a purpose in your life and assist with your personal and spiritual growth.
Women are emotional in order to feel the divine energy at the highest levels and be supreme healers and lovers and mothers. Not to drive men insane. Her deep spiritual connection to feelings is to inspire a man to his spiritual heights as well. She is an oracle. -Raja Khan