I’ve been through hell and back within the past two months. I truly hated it. I was in pain physically. My heart had been shattered. All kind of emotions and thoughts were running through my mind and soul. It was a rollercoaster of positivity and negativity. Yes, I was in a terrible state of mental and emotional but my willpower won’t let it overcome me.
Yes, it took me some time to find myself again. The mental and emotional game almost broke me but it only reminded me who I truly AM. My mind and ego were aligned. It fucked with my emotions. I will not lie that my mind was in a shitty place. Yes, as a Lightworker and in touch with the Spirit, I do have insecurities. There were two main shifts that shaped me who I am right now. They were romantic connections which I’ve severed and being severed. It went in both ways I went through. Perhaps due to karma but it was a shift I truly need to push me and reminded me who the fuck I am again.
There are too many things I want to say but my Spirit Guide is taking me back when I was 17 years old and in a relationship with a nice guy. I remembered I swore a lot. I had a potty mouth but it was how I expressed my feelings. I loved it and lived it. It felt such natural to me. It was my art of expression. One night, my ex-boyfriend and I were hanging out with his friends. I was talking with a friend being me and swearing. Shortly after, my boyfriend took me aside with widened eyes, “Why do you say that? Why are you saying ‘fuck’ in front of my friends?” I could tell he was utterly embarrassed of me and how I expressed myself. I was taken back. My boyfriend was telling me not to swear but that’s who I was when you met me. I never dared tell him that. I was off guarded and taken back by his scolding. I kept it under wraps. I cowered like a scared dog being cornered by a mean caretaker. That was the first shade I pulled over my authenticity.
Throughout the years and few dates, I found myself adjusting my authenticity according to my dates’ liking and expectations. My swearing became less and less over the years like I do not want to bring out that side of me again and/or I did not want to be scolded again. Later on, recently, I was connected to this brilliant friend. He was like a reflection of me. The good side of me with swearing expression. Out of fear, I kept that swearing aside until I felt comfortable with being honest. My friend reminded me to be authentic. I was relieved and felt safe to allow that potty mouth come out.
Fast forward to today, there were a change in our friendship which was a great lesson for us. Although, it did not turn out what I expected but it’s okay because everything happened for a reason. Even though, the shift in our friendship was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually difficult but I am truly grateful for the experience because it showed me how fucking special I am. I am a complex and unique woman but I will not apologize for my bare honesty and swearing. Another day I posted a card and its guidance which I swore a bit, I was scolded for using third dimension words since my vibration was very high and that I should not be using low vibration words. My fear wanted me to run back to that corner but fuck no, you are not getting me this time. I simply pushed the fear aside easily and replied, “I meant no harm.” Offensive words are only offensive if you take it offensive. Foul language is only words and an art of expression. After all, language is very colorful. There’s no need in shaming people for wanting to express differently than you do.
Another day I had an astrology reading, the astrologer told me that I was here to teach people about expansion, movement, and communication. Fucking great! That explained everything and the shit I went through. I got a lot of backlash for being brutal honest and swearing. A lot of backlash that made me want to go back to that corner of embarrassment. No more. No fucking more. I will not apologize for wanting to express differently than you or adjust it for you at your convenience. I am just fucking tired of adjusting who I am.
Off the point here but I had a conversation about honest communication and being direct. I understand it is difficult to be direct out of fear to hurt people’s feelings and/or uncomfortable being honest. Whatever the reason is, please don’t ever feel you cannot be honest because you owe it to yourself. If that means telling the truth would hurt a person’s feeling in order to draw a boundary, please fucking do it. Do it for your happiness’ sakes. Telling the truth will hurt people’s ego temporarily but they will get over it very quickly. In the honesty, it builds up trust and bond become stronger between people. I told my friend that it’s not about directness but it’s the point of communication, isn’t it? The communication is all about communicating your feelings, thoughts, and dreams. It was all about honesty and being authentic to yourself. You only have ONE LIFE. ONE LIFE to be yourself. You fucking owe it to yourself.
I was browsing through the Facebook newsfeed and stumbled across this entrepreneur Gary Varynerchuk. I felt inspired again by his honesty and his passionate about being self-aware. It is bound you’ll have losses as an entrepreneur but it’s all part of growth and finding what is working and what isn’t working to build up a successful business. Just like I went through major losses/shifts recently, I learned to let them ago. The truth was revealed to me that losses does not define who I am. It just woke me up. The losses were merely a loss but it just meant it was not for me. I just moved on. The loss also showed me the other side of me I forgot for a while. The powerful and business woman I aim to become. It also showed me that being me along with the potty mouth of me was the most authentic I’ve ever allowed myself to be. Yes, it is bound I will face backlash again but it is necessary to expand and move things that are no longer working. Again, you only have ONE LIFE. ONE LIFE to be yourself. I am owing it to myself. I am giving myself a chance to be ME. You can love me or hate me. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t but it matter to me because this is my only chance to be successful in my endeavors in each aspect of my life.
In every journey, you learn what is or isn’t working for you but never allow yourself go with what isn’t working. -Mina Reyes