To Tell You the Truth
I do not think I am worthy of love, success, happiness, finances, and many more. Getting emotional as I am typing this. Tears are ready to come out of my eyes. But I had a long conversation with my Spirit Guide last night about what’s triggering my irritability, loneliness, anger, and sadness lately. I received a profound insight as I was going to sleep. My energy shifted from agitated to sad. My self-worthiness was lacking and the root of cause.
My Spirit Guide took me on a ride to my past to as a little girl but to be specific as a Deaf girl. Deafness made a profound impact on how I live my life. Silence is normal thing to me. I couldn’t hear music or my daughter’s laughter. No sounds. All I hear is silence. I was born with no sounds. I felt I did not miss anything. I do not understand what’s the hype with music. But that was normal to me as a Deaf woman. You might feel bad or pity me. Please do not because I do not feel bad for missing the opportunity to hear anything especially my daughter’s sweet laughter. It was for a reason. Being Deaf was a part of my life chart which I planned before coming to the Earth. Whatever the reason was but it taught me to FEEL life deeply.
‘Normal’ people are born with 5 senses but in my case, I am missing a sense. However, due to the missing sense, my other senses are ultra sensitive. My vision and perception are sharp as well as sensation. I could see things that no one could see because ‘normal’ people relies on their hearing so much that they forget to “see.”
BUT I will not lie that it was not easy living with silence in my life because it also made an impact on how I communicate with people and family. Yes, there are thousands of languages. Every language is unique and beautiful, however, it is up to people whether they want to put in efforts to learn and communicate. That’s the question. I learned American Sign Language, a language you use with your hands, body language, and facial expression to communicate. That’s my language since I was 3 years old. That was my sole mean of communication with the world. My language is used in very small percentage among the other languages.
Out of my family of 6, I am only one with no hearing. I remembered as a teen I had many, many bursts of emotion out of blue due to the fucking LACK of communication. You see, my family signed fairly but not as fluent as I am. My parents and I couldn’t carry an intimate conversation. MY PARENTS! I am envy of people who could have those kind of beautiful and effortless conversations with their parents. People with perfect hearing truly have no idea how they take their sense of hearing for a granted. Growing up, I had thousands and thousands of misunderstandings and miscommunications due to the lack of understanding my language. Too many fucking frustrations and tears spilled.
My parents and family claimed they loved me so much. Really? They loved me? Then why am I feeling sad and lonely? I do not feel a sense of love at all or even worthy of their love mainly because they do not made efforts to UNDERSTAND me and SPEAK my language. There. That’s the ROOT CAUSE of my self-unworthiness. If you truly love me, I need you to show me that you love me for who I am regardless. As you know, Love conquers everything and break down the barriers but it was not enough for me from my family. Yes, yes, I have expressed my frustrations to my parents several times but their response was, “I do not have time.” That truly broke my heart.
As I become older, I learned to live with it and moved on with my life. I cannot force them to do anything they don’t want to do. I thought I’ve resolved that but with new and spiritual friendships I’ve built with countless of beautiful and effortless conversations. When the flow of communication stopped, the lack of communication haunted me once again. It was triggering my sense of unworthiness again. My fears rear it heads. My overthinking took me to places that was not safe and positive. My anxiety and insecurity ran through the roof.
As a Mom to my beautiful and God sent gift daughter, I would do anything for her. ANYTHING. I would make sure that she is heard, understood, cared, and loved. That’s the LOVE, isn’t it? If you truly love one another, you would do anything for love, right? My daughter taught me so much about unconditional love. I am in love with her. I would do anything for her with Love in my heart.
But ONE common thing in all languages known to man shared was LOVE. No matter how you communicate or what kind of the language it is but the love will always be the same. You could sense and feel the love regardless the language you speak or sign. If you truly love one, make the efforts to understand and speak their language. Communication is taken for granted and often insignificant but to me it is much more than communication, it is the Love in the communication.
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, THAT goes to his HEART. -Nelson Mandela