Facing my Fears Suck Balls
Holy Shit.. This Solar Eclipse is bringing out the old wounds and fears. They are right in my face and I cannot run or hide from it. It showed up in my dreams last night. I woke up feeling unsettled and emotional. I was moody but I kept my emotions at bay. One day I knew it would come up to the surface soon or later and I am going to have a conversation with my fears. I truly want to slice it with a very sharp and big sword like a Medieval sword kind of thing. Yes, that was a beautiful and perfect weapon. That was how I felt today. I wanted to slash everything that made me feel anxious, anger, sadness, and negativity. Frankly, I am fucking sick of it. I want to feel the joy and love once again. It seems to be a difficult task, huh? Being happy seems to be a such difficult task but I know that life goes through ebbs and orbs. Ups and downs. Everything has a purpose.
But with every dark cloud, there’s a silver lining. That’s my favorite line. I know there’s an underlying message under every downs. Naturally when one goes through a transition, it is bound to feel fears out of nowhere. It is triggering your fears for some reason. I know what triggered mine. At the last Full Moon, I went through some major shit. MAJOR shifts. It was about respecting and honoring myself to receive the best kind of love, respect, and honor. I felt paralyzed in an unhealthy intimate relationship that was going nowhere. I released myself from that relationship. Before I was able to recover from the loss, I experienced another great loss which propelled me into the depth of my emotions. Thankfully, it was not another loss. It was all misunderstanding but it uncovered another shift as well. It was pushing me to explore my deepest fears and wants BUT why? Why now that I am allowing myself to uncover my subconscious fears? Perhaps because I truly want and love that bond. I guess you can say I would do anything to receive the best kind of love. That means I would need to heal my fears. Fuck! Facing my fears suck balls!
Last night in my dreams, the Spirit showed me my subconscious fears where I listened and accepted other people’s opinion about what a loving partner should look like or what kind of a partner that fits me for best. I was not confident in my decision-making especially when it comes to picking out a love partner. Ugh. I did not trust myself that I was capable at choosing a right partner for myself. After many failed relationships, well, fuck I definitely did not trust myself! You see my dilemma here?
I would ask my friends for their opinions before getting emotionally involved with someone. Yes, I admitted I cared what others think about someone I was involved with than what my heart was telling me. In the dream, I remembered the message I received from a Medium regarding my next love partner. She mentioned that the next partner would be most likely an Asian or some sort of ties to Buddhism. I realized I was wrong about the guy I was seeing the whole time because the ‘right’ guy was right under my nose and it was my old classmate. I searched for him and found him. He was a half Asian and half white (Haha this sounds really ridiculous as I was typing this) but he was a drug addict so I took him to therapy to fix him up. By the way, in the reality, I would have to admit that I’ve always been fixing up my partners in my past relationships. That’s actually quite common among the Lightworkers. The line between supporting and helping is very fine.
So, yeah, my dream also showed me that I need to break and purge old habit at picking out the flaws in others. When I meet guys, before I can determine that I am attracted to them or they have relationship potential, I would LOOK for their flaws. If their flaws seems to be too great for me or hinder their potential to hold a loving relationship with me. I would decline them immediately. No questions. No ifs or buts. When I decide, they’re not the one. It is FINAL. I guess that’s how I make my decisions based on their flaws. That was how I protect myself from getting emotionally involved. But seriously, that’s cold if you ask me. I just realized that now. That’s not fair at all because I am FAR from perfection. I am full of flaws and imperfections but I am pretty proud of who I am right now. Perhaps I come off strongly and a bit of aloof but that’s merely my protection. I have been through a lot relationship-wise and I just could not go through another heartbreak again. That was my huge fear to get my heart broken once again. I have not been in a serious and loving relationship in a long, long time. Perhaps too long because I forgot how to allow others to see the real me and my sweet stuff.
Yes, facing my fears suck balls but somehow it will break down my wall and allow others to see me. Somewhere in there while releasing the fears, I would learn to trust myself and in my capability to make a decision. I pray this time I chose a right loving, kind, and honorable love partner!!
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell