Vulnerability Scares the Shit out of Me
This past week was a quite transformative and emotional. My emotions took nosedive then climbed up high. It was a nonstop rollercoaster of emotions. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t put a stop on it. The Universe just shared something valuable with me. The moment you made a life-changing release especially under the Full Moon, you will also release even more afterward. It is like a dominoes effect. Releasing one thing also means releasing other thing because both come hand in hand. You cannot release one thing then put a halt on another thing. You’re on a releasing roll. Go with it and let them lead you through a raging river but be assured you’ll be safe. Perhaps seasick and feeling unsettled but that’s the physical symptoms of life altering decision. It was already hurting you by holding it within you. Releasing things that are not working in your favor comes with side effects but it will build up your strength. The Universe is actually helping and pushing you. They are also thrilled that you’re doing the work because they have been waiting for you to put in efforts and then they can help you along the way.
My emotions went on a roller coaster ride as soon as I severed the intimate connection within a friendship. I made that decision because it was not giving me a room to grow personally, spiritually and mentally. Actually, I was like a hamster running nonstop in a wheel with nowhere to go. I wanted to get off because I was exhausted being in the same spot but I did not know how or when. I bravely jumped off the wheel and of course, I received bruises physically but mostly emotionally because I stunted my personal growth. Emotions ran high but it was like releasing the hurtful things. I felt good making the decision but of course, it will not be healed overnight. I allowed myself to feel whatever the feelings are coming up on the surface and to give myself some time to grieve.
Two days later, my emotions took a nosedive to the deepest bottom of the ocean. I learned another valuable lesson about being vulnerable. Yes, fuck, being vulnerable scares the shit out of me. Yes, I write about my feelings in my blog and share it with the world but there’s no emotional relationship with other in this. What happened two nights ago, I realized that being vulnerable does not necessary mean ‘weak’ and/or ’emotional’ but to allow other one especially loved one to see the truth in you. Sharing your vulnerability with others allow them to build a stronger bond with you. Speaking your truth and your romantic feelings toward another allow them to see through you and your heart. It also help them understand you better. Sharing your vulnerability is the most exhilarating and beautiful thing you can do with a loved one because it builds an etheric and undeniable cord to their heart which bonds both of you together.
My heart shattered when I learned that I put up an aloof wall unintentionally which caused a misunderstanding between me and my beautiful friend. Hence, there were a lack of vulnerability on my part. This friendship taught me to be vulnerable not for relationship’s sake but for my own sakes in the terms of personal growth. Being vulnerable allows my friend to see my true feelings and heart. In order to build strong friendships and relationships, you have to be willing to open up and share yourself with others but in a safe space. Vulnerability brings people closer especially two love and life partners.
Lack of vulnerability left me in pain physically because I was not allowing other to see through me and my heart. I was also in pain for not giving myself an opportunity to express my true romantic feelings. I was so much in pain perhaps due to this undeniable bond I shared with my friend and it would kill me if the bond is broken. There are many factors for my painful physical symptoms but most of all, I was hurting myself literally by holding all those feelings within me. All due to fear for receiving love in my heart. I put up a wall around my heart for too long and I forgot to put it down like a bad habit.
I found that the more truthful and vulnerable I was, the more empowering it was for me. – Alanis Morissette