Day 41: Authenticizing Myself
Yesterday on Monday was the first day back to work after 2 weeks of Christmas Break. It was nice and relaxing but I was looking forward to get back and work with my students. I love teaching and watching them grow. I felt a sense of importance as an instructional assistant. I love and enjoy helping my students. The day went well at work. However, the day became interesting. This is a bit uncomfortable for me to talk about it here but I know I need to do this to become more authentic to myself. This is something that I need to explore. I need to re-visit this to understand myself better and perhaps, it will also help other people in a similar situation. Here I go!
For a while, well, for years, I’ve been ignoring my sexuality. I put it aside for a long time. It has been doormat for years. Although, I’ve touched there and here but never to the point where I explored it emotionally. My sexual experiences weren’t wonderful as you see in media and/or actually enjoys it. My first sexual experience was very confusing. It did not make me feel anything and/or good. You can say I was emotioally shut off because I knew that my ex-boyfriend whom I had my first sexual encoucter with was a negative individual. My ex-boyfriend was a drug addict, alcoholic and abusive with tremendous narcissistic personality. I believed he was a pathological liar. He WAS. Yes, he was a dark entity which meant he does not have spirit guide. I did not understand it at the time but instinctively I KNEW deep in my heart. My intuition knew before I knew. I did it because I did not want to be alone and I thought that would bring us closer but it made things worse. There were no trust and mutual respect at all. Adding intimacy on the top of many negative issues confused things further. The relationship went on for 3 long years. It went downhill after the honeymoon stage. I did not think it will become worse but it did. It forced me to face myself and run to spirituality to get out of dark. The last year of relationship was my darkest year.
As you can see why I got confused about love and sex. My first sexual partner was dark. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because I did not feel anything while having sex but then, I realized that it was with whom. I did not love him. I did not trust him. I did not want to have sex with him. Instead of taking a healthy road, I choose to have sex with him based on loneliness. I was hurting myself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. That was the turning point where I started to brush my sexuality under the rug. After we broke up, well, I finally dumped his ass, I swore I’ll stay single for a long time. I was single for a long time. I still am. About 4 or 5 years after the break up, I lived my life as a single woman fully. I partied hard. I went on vacations. I always was invited to social events. I did not have an interest to pursue a relationship. I just wanted to enjoy myself and go on dates with myself. However, my sexuality was pushed back further and further.
I met few guys along the way but nothing of them were serious. Actually, two of them turned in sexual encounters. My second encounter was a ‘booty call.’ Haha yup. I did not grasp the concept of booty call for a while. My friend or partner or whoever he was but we were having sex often. I did not see the pattern until he kept asking me to come over his house at midnight. There were several conversations where I expressed my wishes for going on real dates. His excuses? He was too busy. AH-HA! That should be my first red flag! I missed too many red flags but I choose to ignore them. Again, loneliness sneaked up on me. Fortunately, the ‘relationship’ did not last long. He kept sending me texts at the same time at night and I just had it. I was fed up. I decided that I deserved better, so I told him its over between us. A year later, he had balls to text me again thinking I would hop in the car and drove over to his house like nothing happened. The last text I sent to him was, “FUCK YOU! DO NOT TEXT ME AGAIN!”He did not text again. Thank God.
3rd sexual encounter only happened in two sessions and I told myself that I was not doing this again. I cut him off completely. Loneliness got the best of me again with this 3rd encounter because I was dating a guy for a while but there were no intimacy and it turned out that he did not have feelings for me. As you can imagine that after endless of texts and conversations for few months with mutual feeling toward each other, he just decided that he was not pursuing a relationship with me. After our break up, I dived in deep depression for a long month. Literally, I was on my bed. I couldn’t wake up and go on with my normal activities. It was extremely hard to get out of bed. It was physically, mentally, emotionally, spirituality EXHAUSTING. I was trying to get myself back again and decided to go to a bar with a couple of friends. That’s where I met my 3rd sexual encounter. Thank god, it did not last more than two meetings.
I swore off men for another 4 years after that 3rd guy. My sexuality was far in the distance. Perhaps you can find it in the galaxy. Yes, I do have sexual urges and pleased myself but I did not feel good afterward. I did not have a healthy relationship with my sexuality. It was in me but I ignored it because all it brought me pain. Then, after 4 years, I decided to get back in the dating game again. I met my daughter’s father at a restaurant with few drinks in us. Right off the bat, I had bad feeling about him but I thought I had high expectations or so I am told. I was trying to lower my expectations and have fun with him. We exchanged text number. We agreed to meet for our date. He was a half hour late. That was my first red flag. I wanted to be more flexible and understanding so I did not let his tardiness bother me. We got drunk. I wished I did not get drunk. I usually don’t drink to get drunk but I did it to boost my confidence and to impress him that I could ‘drink.’ He was a party animal. Another red flag. We went home afterwards.
Later that week, he invited me to a friend’s birthday party. We met up and got drunk. His house was nearby so we walked to his house to watch a movie. I cannot believe I was naive thinking that he just wanted to watch movie but that was a code to fuck. Needless to say, we did but I felt shit afterward. We rushed into it which was not something I wanted to do and/or tried to avoid. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me for feeling stupid afterward. I thought I was high strung and that I needed to relax. We were just having fun, right? Like I wanted to date for fun. We went on more dates like normal people who go on dates to restaurants, movies, sports bar, and etc. We were doing things together. I thought to myself, okay, I must be doing something right. Or so I thought.
Few months into dating and a lot of sex, I found I was pregnant. First thing came to my mind, “I am going to be a single mom!!” I immediately knew that my daughter’s father would not be jumping up and down with excitement about news. Actually, I was afraid he would get mad at me. New red flag. I kept the news from him for approximately a month. I tried to give him hints but he was completely clueless. My morning sickness was getting worse and my belly was growing. I had to tell him. I told him via text because I was afraid of his reaction. He went berserk. Like most emotionally immature men, his immediate response was to get it ‘taken care of.’
He was the last sexual encounter I had. It has been 2 years. My daughter was a huge, huge blessing in my life. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She inspired me to be a better woman and Mom. Even though, my daughter’s father and I ended our relationship on bad terms but he blessed me with our daughter. That’s what keep me going. I am not going to lie that it was not smooth sailing after my daughter was born but my daughter was the best thing ever happened in my life.
My experience with sex was not great. All of them ended horribly. All I remembered was the stinking dirty feeling afterward. I never feel good or confident afterwards. Why? Why am I doing this to myself again and again and again and again? I KNEW I deserved better but I fell for the same trap and I was in a self-destructive cycle. That cycle need to be broken. I was self-loathing. I want to be intimate with a man who I truly love but having sex remind me of painful memories. Ugh. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need to take another look at my sexuality and let go of painful memories. Holding on those memories was what feeding in my fears about sex. I need to remind myself that it was only memories which does not define who I am at all. Especially, it is okay to have sexual urges. I can please myself without feeling like a ‘whore.’ It is perfectly normal to have those needs. It is another way to get touch with my body and boost my self-esteem. Nurturing myself by respecting my body needs and create new positive memories.
Back to Monday, after I got off from work, I stepped in a sex store for first time in years. It was very intimidating. I was giggling like a little girl but it was more like a nervous giggle. It was strange seeing those familiar toys and supplies. Actually, I was overwhelmed with many options. It was like getting into a new relationship with butterflies in my stomach. I was getting into a relationship with myself sexually. I thought to myself that only way I can have a healthy relationship with sexuality was to face, heal, and release painful memories. That also means to enjoy it again with pleasure and confidence. Just like a new flower slowly blossoming, you need to be very careful with it by tending, watering, feeding, loving, and talking with it. I am allowing my sexuality blossom slowly again.
Our biggest limiting factor is our minds. -Amelia Boone