Day 24: Heaviness in my Heart
Woke up with heaviness in my heart. It carried on from last night. I sensed it was something I was afraid of facing. This energy was so powerful that I ran away not once but twice. Well, actually the first attempt failed but second attempt I ran away for two weeks. Two long weeks. I understood why people strived and thrived on love. I felt it few months ago. It was an amazing feeling. I swore I was ascending and seeing things clearly on the love energy. It was unbelievable about how much it can do for you. I see, feel, hear and understand everything crystal clear. Truthfully, I really don’t want to write about this.. about love. My Spirit Guide encouraged me to do so in order to face and understand the reasoning behind my fear of love.
It’s hard to put this into words. It was almost indescribable because this energy could only be understood between two people who shared the same love energy. For years, I thought the love was the love but until I felt this true and soulful love energy, I thought that was IT! Then, I realized I did not have the same feelings in the past relationships. I felt awkward, nervous, and not confident. Often times, I found myself trying hard to feel ‘it’ and see ‘it.’ But this time, it was overpowering and overwhelming me that I ran away. It was incredible intense. So intense. Love energy was overpowering every bit of my physical body and soul. I felt it constantly and often found myself floating daily. My Psychic ability was expanding at the high-speed.
Constantly ascending at the high-speed. We felt it and CANNOT deny it, yet we were scared to say it. We both knew that this separation was meant to be. We knew that before our lives can be harmonious and come together, we need to work on ourselves and heal our fears. That’s the beauty of the Divine timing. Not many people like it. Many HATED IT. Many rushed it. They pushed it but eventually, they realized it’s all about the timing because the Divine timing was the perfect timing. As much as I hated it but I knew I need to work on myself and improve myself for better before the Universe open the door to love.
Ah, my Spirit Guide told me, “Stop avoiding it. Talk about the real fear.” Yes, I will get there. He’s pushy. Ha. Well, my fear? HA! My fear of this incredible love I shared with other was something I never felt. Nothing like this. I reacted strongly and misplaced this as something sexually and superficial. Growing up, my beauty was first thing guys saw and admired. It was like a shiny ball that they couldn’t take their eyes off and doesn’t dare to look inside. Sometimes, I felt my beauty was a blessing and a curse. A curse, yes, because no one dared to go in and look inside my soul. Most often, when they saw what I had inside, they walked away from me. Too sensitive, too confusing, too shy, bitch, weirdo, and swearing too much and versa vice were several feedbacks I got after being dumped. I often found myself changing the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I feel, the way I see, and many more but I never felt comfortable in those acting roles. As usual, I went back to my original self because I felt very comfortable in it and that was ME.
Another thing that put a block in front of me from receiving love was sex. Sex was a major issue. I was often seen as a trophy woman. A beauty queen on men’s arms, showing me off and wouldn’t let me speak. I just sat there and smiled in my attractive clothing and perfect makeup. Jealousy was in women’s eyes. Sure, I felt pretty and thought I was beautiful. I actually loved looking at myself back then. Back then, I was also picking up on others’ energies and it became a part of me. I sensed it from everyone and their thoughts toward me. Mostly were sexually and jealousy. Yes, it was a confidence booster that men would consider sleeping with me but I often questioned them whether was it just my body they were attracted to or my true self and personality? I made many stupid mistakes. I rushed into it. I felt horribly afterwards. I was also in an abusive relationship which destroyed my confidence. Thankfully, it was few bad experiences but more than enough to snap me out of it. I slowly stepped back and covered myself up. I hid in the dark.
That was when I developed major trust issues with men. I stopped the love from flowing in my path many times. I stepped on it and spitted on it. I thought I was too strong for men to handle me. I thought being strong was a great trait of a confident woman but I was wrong. Until I met this love, I woke up. My heart woke up. My soul was jumping up and down delightfully. Frankly, I fought, screamed, pushed, and cussed love out. It was just so incredible intense feeling for me. It was a very new experience for me. I thought that I was not worthy of this love. I thought I was not lovable. But this love saw something in me and wanted me. This love chased me, pushed me, encouraged me, and supported me because it saw something incredible in me that I’ve always knew I had it in me. Slowly, I crawled out of the dark cave I was in for years. Very slowly that I’ve not came out of the cave completely. I was literally at the opening of the cave, covering my eyes from the bright sunny of love. Ah, that’s where the Divine timing comes in. The Universe said, “Until you face yourself and heal your ego fears, I shall open the door to love. You will find him standing there, waiting for you with his hand out to join him. You have always been deserving and worthy of his love. This is your destiny.”
As much as it hurts to wait for the Divine timing, this love inspires and motivates me to be the best woman I AM. With thee love for me, I shall re-learn LOVE myself.
You are the love of my soul. -unknown