Day 23: Feeling Defeated
Yesterday, I was irritated. So irritated that I did not know where it was coming from. New feelings often came up every day but this time I was expecting it as we go through Full Moon energy. I was trying to understand and figure out where it was coming from. When I got home from, I got annoying news regarding my daughter’s ‘sperm donor.’ Yes, I called him the sperm donor. He does not deserve the title of Father, Dad, Daddy, and/or Papa at all. That’s whole another story at different time which I will go into details later because this issue was very sensitive for me to talk about especially when it involved my sweet baby girl. However, the ‘annoying news’ was the phone call I got from the Department of Child Support Services informing me that my daughter’s health insurance provided by ‘him’ was suspended. The reason why? I need a drum roll here. *Drum Rolls* The child’s father resigned from the company. AH-HA! That’s the source of irritation I was feeling all afternoon. It was almost like a warning and I sensed it was coming. BUT that’s not the worse part. The worst thing was that I have a meeting next week with the department and ‘him’ to discuss about child support payments because according to them, ‘he’ requested for modifications to the child support payment. *GROANS* REALLY!? REALLY???….SERIOUS..?? WHAT THE F? WHAT THE FUCK?
You want to know the funny part?? I KNEW HE QUIT before I got the confirmation from the Department of Child Support Services. My Spirit Guide told me in late August. Actually, that’s typical of his behavior. Incredibly inconsiderate, immature, and amazing selfish. My Spirit Guide was telling me that ‘he’ was looking for a way to reduce child support payment or nothing at all. Apparently, he came up with this great idea to quit his job and assumed he’ll be off the hook from providing for ‘our’ daughter whom he have not made efforts to see her AT ALL. NADA. ZIP. Ah…! I was also told that the meeting next week will be a waste of our time. Argh.. let’s see what happened. I am definitely prepared for this meeting. “He” better be prepared this time.
Whew.. now that I got that off my chest. That was obnoxious. Anyway, that incident was not only thing that was bothering me. My boundaries were being pushed and blurred. As much as I love doing readings and support my clients as they go through their journey, I still need my space. My soul was screaming at me “draw a boundary! draw a boundary! BALANCE! BALANCE!” It doesn’t help now that my pants and clothes were getting tight and tight. I was feeling claustrophobic and stuffy. I literally felt I was a sausage. Feeling frustrated with my new and growing body and boundaries being pushed back, I definitely need a room to breathe. Fuck, I need a break. Yes, yes, I know I need to find balance again. I knew the Full Moon was pulling toxicity from my soul but I was hearing from my Spirit Guide that I need to face my fears and have a sit down conversation with them. AH! what fears I wondered? “Oh.. that fear?.. (groans) oh, great.. great.. that couldn’t come at a better timing after receiving stupid news about the sperm donor’s new idea of evading responsibilities, ” I told my Spirit Guide.
My Spirit Guide, “Yes, dear, that fear. You asked the Universe two nights ago about releasing that fear. Now’s the time.” He reminded me about beautiful moments and sadness moments I experienced the past few months. I took a bath with hopes that it would rejuvenate me but instead I felt worn out and defeated. Vulnerability sneaked up on me but I couldn’t put a stop on it. I quietly shed few tears to sleep. To be continued..
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known. -Brené Brown