Day 19: My nerves were shot as soon as I published my previous blog “Sharp Tongue.” It was hard expressing my private thoughts after I received a truth about people. I often blurted it out like I had no control over it. I often get into trouble or made people cry over my ‘insensitive’ truth. I’ve also posted a post in a group on Facebook asking for their feedback regarding my bluntness. To my surprise, they did not take it well and shared their opinions about how it’s not being helpful to be rude and/or giving unsolicited advice when one does not ask for it. It was hard hearing harsh feedback toward my post but I took a breath and tried to take a positive perspective to those advice. One told me not to be too hard on myself. Yes, that resonated very well with me. Always being hard on myself was something I’ve struggled with for years. Perhaps it stemmed from meeting others’ expectations. I poured a lot of my energy into worrying about what other would think of me. Just like the post I asked for opinions, that was very difficult as well as hearing feedback to my post. I took a high road and replied back with positive thoughts. They appreciated my positive responses. “It was a sign of emotional maturity,” they said. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, however, I had knots in my stomach and I lost my appetite. I knew it was a huge ego fear I had to let go of. My nerves were shot all long day but tried to stay positive. You can say my anxiety was seeping in. I went to bed early than usual. I needed to sleep to calm my anxiety. I was so ready for a new day.
Day 20: My Angels told me today was a day to let loose, have fun outside in nature, and enjoy friendship. I love it when they confirmed it because I was meeting a close friend of mine for dinner. It was my first night without my daughter. It was a break I needed and it came at perfect timing since my nerves were shot yesterday. I needed a good laugh and forget about reality for a moment. My friend and I had a long and inspiring conversation about anything in the air. He loved to tell me a lot about history especially Mexico and Spain. My friend was currently taking few classes regarding Chicano history. I learned that Spain had a lot of influence on Mexico’s culture. Before Spain conquering Mexico, Mexico’s culture were beautiful and there were no double standard between men and women. As matter of fact, women were considered as Goddesses and to be paid with highly respect. Women had a lot of power regarding many things such as owning a house, having wills under their names, and fought in wars. Back then, women were considered as rare precious gems and to be embraced for their knowledge. That made you think, huh? Mexico’s culture and history were fascinating.
Instead of taking a final test, my friend’s final test was to write a paper to find answers to this question, “where’s the line with using egg?” I knew he was talking about eggs used in shamanic healing to take away bad vibes and/or bad spirits but the question puzzled me and I asked him to elaborate. In Mexico’s culture, using eggs to extract bad vibes and ‘evil’ spirits were often used through many generations. One might said it’s part of witchcraft remedy or a part of shamanic healing. As a little girl, my mom used egg to wave above my face. My mom prayed along with it before my bedtime. Then, she broke it and poured it into a small bowl. The bowl was put under my bed where I was sleeping. My Mom told me that her Mom, Grandmother, and Great-Grandmother used the same remedy for years. She believed it worked taking away my nightmares I used to have. My friend shared his experience with egg extraction. It wasn’t a very good experience. A Shaman thought that my friend’s deafness was caused by a bad spirit scaring him badly. His Grandmother cupped the egg in her hand and put her hands on his head. She moved it back and forward, up and down, side to side and shook it. His grandmother believed using the egg remedy would cure his deafness. My friend shook his head in disbelief that his grandmother would go that far to ‘believe’ that his disability can be cured by using an egg. “Where’s the line with egg?” my friend repeated. I understood. Where’s the line between nonsense or natural? Sure, using natural remedies have amazing healing abilities. It was often used for illness and health ailments but being born with a disability was not something you can cure.
We also talked about Adam and Eve. Actually I brought it up. I thought about a different situation regarding the question, ‘Where’s the line?’ Adam and Eve were born with a highly pure and spiritual souls. They walked around the garden with naked bodies like it was very natural thing to do. Clothing was unnatural. Adam and Eve walked around hand in hand with love for each other. They love to speak with trees, flowers, and mother nature but how do we get to this point from being a pure and spiritual soul to a soul with many fears? Where and when did things change? When and how does one change their belief in talking with trees? Why would one find that taking with trees were nonsense and witchcrafty? How did we get to that point? Where’s the line?
In this world, there is a fine line between enlightenment and brain damage. -Neal Shusterman