Day 1: Eating my Fears In
I will face my fears. I want to be able say I’ve swum with sharks.” -Amy Nuttall
I woke up at 5:50am. I thought to myself, “No, no, not yet. I need to sleep more.” I had a rough night. I kept turning and tossing until perhaps almost midnight. It was a surreal feeling because I did not feel I was sleeping but I was conscious of it. At 2:50am, my daughter woke up crying from her crib. Strangely, I also woke up at the same time. We must had sensed something in our room. I woke up feeling really drained, worn out, and almost defeated. I knew there were new feelings coming up to the surface that I have not faced yet. I was not trying to let it to drown, define, and/or overcome me. I was staying above myself. I was staying strong.
Actually, I wasn’t sure what those feelings were but I know they were part of my healing. I was trying to understand it. Usually when I have those fears, I binged. Chocolate was my go-to craving to stuff my fears in. I would eat a huge double chocolate muffin. I wouldn’t feel satisfied until I have another half of that muffin. Strangely, I didn’t have those urges today. Yes, I ate a huge chocolate chip cookie earlier but it felt it was out of a bad habit. I ate a couple of small chocolate candies and birthday cake at work but nothing were making me feel great. OH, I forgot to mention I also had a hot chocolate from Starbucks but it wasn’t the same. It felt almost disgusting. Yet I find myself forcing me to eat those sweet pastries out of a bad habit. WHY? It doesn’t EVEN make me feel good. It wasn’t working on me anymore. I knew what I was feeling. I was trying not to listen but yet it was necessary to face them regardless.
Later in the evening, I binged more. Leftover hamburger from last night. I thought I need to go for a walk to relieve bloating. I took my daughter for a walk in her stroller. It was getting dark. It was a bit chilly and breezy which was a perfect weather. A great break from heat lately. There were many beautiful white clouds everywhere. Sunset was about to set. The sky was pink, orange, and sky blue. It was exhilarating. I was feeling good from getting a fresh breath of air and physical exercise. I still don’t know what was tugging at me. I didn’t know how or when but oddly I was feeling better as I was walking in this exquisite weather. Perhaps all I need was to re-connect with nature. To be continued…